oh.

but what am i saying. i yearned for this, ached for normaliy, to have someone next to me as often as possible which, let's face it, is now my truth. achingly normal, but when alone all i can think of is that comfortable moment when i settle into the shape of his arms and we talk about nothing, or don't talk at all. i ached for this, and now having it i ache for it even more. i may have lost one part of me but it's a part that i could afford to lose. the lonely part. now my lapses into my former self are bright, searing moments of pain. you can't share displeasure, it only tears you apart. so happiness, i suppose i'm saying, is now something i understand, and enjoy, and am terrifed of losing.
i have so many half formed thoughts that i never have time to air, but perhaps that's no bad thing.